First things first: I really need to thank the staff of The Torch. Justin Thrift, this year’s Editor-in-Chief, gave me the column, and I couldn’t be any more thankful. The rest of the staff put up with me having a column that was about nothing in particular, and I’m grateful to them as well.

I’m excited for Bill San Antonio, the new editor, to run the paper next year. He’s going to do an excellent job, and to any of you out there who have any interest in writing: contact him. The Torch is a great organization to work for. It’s done exclusively by the students and is not connected to or edited by the school. It’s your voice. I had a blast working for it, and I didn’t have to major in Journalism to do it – I majored in Homeland and Corporate Security (HCS represent!). So join the paper. You’ll be glad you did.

As for my columns, well, sometimes I start one and it goes nowhere. If I were a musician, this would be my “Rarities and B-Sides” Album:

-I am a musician. My band, The Fuzzy Whistles, is currently on hiatus, but my side project “Jeffrey Gilbert Sings Various 90s Sitcom Actors Singing ‘Bad Day’ by Daniel Powter” will be touring soon.

-English people talk a lot of smack about the United States for a country that’s nearly as fat as us, still has the same monarchy we took down 230 years ago and can’t even beat us at their own game of soccer.

-If an animal were president, it would have to be a bear. No other animal looks remotely presidential. It couldn’t be a marine animal. Marsupials are just ridiculous. I could see a bird as VP or Secretary of State, but if you’re going to look me in the face and say that a flamingo has the national recognition to win a primary, I’d like to invite you to shut up.

-It’s the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, and nobody cares but the south. I grew up in Georgia, and I saw Confederate flags all over the place and I never quite understood it. I mean, sure, most of the soldiers weren’t fighting for slavery; rich plantation owners and politicians tricked the common folk into thinking it wasn’t about slavery (which it was), and then they lost, and for the next 100 years took it out on black people. This is something to be proud of? As far as I’m concerned, we have a flag in the United States of America, and it has 13 stripes and 50 stars. The flag of the Confederacy represents a rogue nation that split off and attacked members of the United States of America. Therefore, it’s a flag of an enemy – nay, a terrorist – and if you wanted to be a real American, you’d fly the stars-and-stripes. That’s the flag of the USA, and that’s where you live. So either take down the Confederate flag, or admit that you’re a traitor to the USA.

-Production has stalled on “Jeffrey Gilbert Presents Tyler Perry’s Presentation of Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Fat Production of Sophie’s Choice” due to protest.

-If you need somebody to do the chorus for “Benny and the Jets”, might I suggest King George VI.

-Community is the best show on television right now. Bottom line. When Jeff Winger states, “I’ll never forget My Dinner With Andre Dinner With Abed”, he’s right – that episode was the best episode of any TV show this year. And the show just keeps getting better.

-I hate Brooklyn, and I hate their stupid signs. “Welcome to Brooklyn – FUGHEDABOUTIT!…You name it, we got it!” How about just telling me when I’m in a place that doesn’t smell like hipsters and pretension?

-I really regret buying I Am Sam on DVD.

-“Welcome to Queens: You’re probably going to the airport.”

-John Wilkes Booth was so much sexier than Lee Harvey Oswald.

-And the stuff I wrote down in the middle of the night and couldn’t remember why the next day: “Birthday Peoples.” “S’go Grizz.” “Potatoes.” “Bus Beard.” I really don’t know where I was going with “Bus Beard.” I feel like it would have been a great one though.