Keeping tabs on an ex has become increasingly easy. You can watch their Snapchat score go up or look through their tagged pictures on Instagram. Some go so far as to stalk TikTok reposts to figure out what’s on their mind.
Many people, recently out of relationships, are guilty of this. Keeping up with an ex online is controversial and has proven to be unhealthy.
But what about in-person contact? Is it okay to hang out and check up on your ex after the breakup? Can you even call yourselves friends?
St. John’s University freshman Makaila Blyden says it’s possible to stay friends with an ex.
“It depends on the circumstances, if they cheat on you then obviously not,” she said. “I don’t see how it’s bad though if you end things mutually and things just didn’t work out romantically.”
It’s situational. If you are in a circumstance where an ex-partner treats you disrespectfully, then it’s a loss cause. There’s no need to go back. However, if you and your ex can overcome the fact that you were unable to stay together but still hold a lot of love and respect for each other, then it should be something that two mature people could work through.
Freshman Emily De Leon agrees. She believes that two people can work through the obstacles that come with building a friendship post-breakup when they are both mature and emotionally intelligent.
“It still depends, though. Everyone’s situations are different and there’s no right or wrong way to go about it.”
Junior Sam Ortner doesn’t think that anyone should be friends after a breakup. He thinks that being friends with an ex is nothing more than more pain.
“You have a different kind of connection with that person, there’s no way that you can just be friends after breaking up with that person. You’re exes for a reason.”
When negative feelings are involved, good intentions can easily turn sour. Verywell Mind compiles a list of reasons why exes should and shouldn’t be friends. The main reason to steer clear of friendship is if there are romantic feelings still involved.
For example, if one person wants to get back together and another one doesn’t, it’s a recipe for disaster. If one person decides to move on and gets into another relationship, the other could be left with debilitating mental health. Things could be miscommunicated and you could leave on worse terms than before.
There are a few things to keep in mind before going back to your ex and asking to be more than strangers but less than a couple.
Are you able to forgive past mistakes?
It’s hard to “get over it” when someone that you love hurts you, which is bound to happen in any relationship. Maybe your partner went out one night and you got into a huge fight about it. Even though you tried, you just can’t move on. Is this something that will get in the way of having good intentions to form a meaningful friendship with them? If the answer is no, you’re on the right track.
Does your ex respect your boundaries?
Boundaries are necessary in the cultivating of any relationship, including friendship. If your ex did not respect boundaries in your relationship, like wanting to take some time for yourself and your friends every day, they might be even worse platonically. Imagine telling your ex that because you are just friends you don’t want to have discussions about potential partners, but when you two hang out they just can’t stop mentioning all of the people that are into them. That’s a boundary crossed and a sign to turn around and not look back!
Like what Blyden and De Leon said, everyone’s lives are different. Whatever you choose to do isn’t wrong as long as it’s what’s best for you. If you’re coworkers or have mutuals and want to make things easier on each other and the people around you, go for it. Just make sure to take those steps to maintain a healthy friendship that doesn’t end poorly.
But don’t feel bad if you decide to cut an ex out of your life. You have absolutely no obligation to partake in anything that you don’t think is right for you. Remember, you’re exes for a reason.
