Any relationship, no matter how short or long, is susceptible to jealousy. Defined broadly by Psychology Today as an emotion encompassing “feelings ranging from suspicion to rage to fear to humiliation,” it is deeply complicated and often dangerous.
How should couples approach this complex emotion together without hurting each other?
What Is Jealousy?
A Yahoo survey revealed that 87% of Americans experience jealousy in relationships. To fully understand what it truly means in a relationship, one must identify the various feelings it elicits. Insecurity, fear and even rage are all components of this state of mind—which is often just that, a state of mind.
However, jealousy can reflect trauma from previous partnerships, disguising itself as concern or anxiety. For example, a partner previously cheated on may be more prone to jealousy, as the word itself reflects fear of rivalry or replacement. What could be an innocent concern, this emotion often expresses itself in accusations and anger.
The Main Causes of Jealousy
The causes of this emotion are abundant and cannot always be rationalized. Insecurity, trust, abandonment issues, unrealistic expectations and anxiety over losing someone are all intrinsic feelings demonstrating jealousy. External factors, such as social media or an incessant ex, can amplify these feelings—even if there is no truthful reason to feel them.
It is important to remember that jealousy can be a weapon of manipulation in an abusive relationship. If it is repetitive, controlling or physically harmful, the relationship is unsafe.
Jealousy vs. Envy
Often confused as being interchangeable, jealousy and envy are two completely different experiences. Although both elicit feelings of possessivity, the opposition can be found in the emotion’s origins. American professor and researcher, Brené Brown, described in the simplest terms how these feelings differ:
“Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have to someone else.”
How does this relate to relationships? Feelings of jealousy are normal, as people are often scared of losing their partner for being inadequate or unloved. Envy, however, is desiring something else completely—and this should not be present in a relationship. As jealousy can be healthy in doses, the envy of another couple’s relationship reflects dissatisfaction and discontentment in your own.
Why would someone in a healthy and happy relationship envy another person or their partner? Just as jealousy is worth discussing, envy is an emotion that can derail relationships and leave couples feeling as if they aren’t enough for their partner. If you seek someone else or wish you had their relationship, maybe yours is not the one you need.
Using Jealousy as a Tool
Coined as the “green-eyed monster,” jealousy can actually be used to a relationship’s benefit. The emotion can assist in personal understanding of common, negative relationship behaviors and show how to combat them. It can indicate that you or your partner do not feel secure or even appreciated in the relationship. This can cause serious fights or, in the worst case, separation.
Couples who deal with issues of jealousy should examine the nature of their relationship and ask questions surrounding its roots. How can I make my partner feel special? What potential innocent behaviors are perceived incorrectly? Where is this jealousy stemming from, and what can I do to erase it? People in relationships are often jealous out of fear of trusting another person with their emotions and their heart. The best way to use jealousy is to assign it as an identifying factor for potential anxiety or fear in a relationship.
Affirming your partner your love and demonstrating it by dedicating time to them is significant. Giving the same energy to other relationships (friends or family) is key to combating the feeling. If you are not showing the same amount of dedication to your partner that you are to other relationships, it can leave them feeling insecure and therefore jealous of others in your life.
Understanding where this jealousy comes from and limiting accusations is a healthy way to use the emotion as a magnifying glass in your relationship. Where is trust needed and how can it be instilled?
Recognizing this emotion as one of care, couples can use it to open their communication and figure out how to best love each other.
