Maybe you distance yourself after finally getting to know someone, or you’re constantly seeking reassurance. These behaviors can often be traced back to childhood and the adult figures who shaped your life.

Attachment theory, first founded by Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst John Bowley, describes the relationship between early primary caregivers, and a person’s emotional and social development later in life.

Understanding your attachment style can improve the quality of your relationships — romantic or otherwise. Recognizing and approaching your attachment style properly can make you a more self-aware partner, resulting in healthier relationships.

Anxious/Preoccupied

“I need others to feel safe, but they might leave me.”

People with anxious attachment often crave deep intimacy and constant reassurance. Even in stable relationships, they may fear abandonment or rejection. It’s common for them to overanalyze texts, feel hurt by small slights or worry that they’re “not good enough” for their partner.

These behaviors often stem from inconsistent caregiving during childhood. They may have felt that love and attention were often unpredictable. These experiences taught them to become hyper-sensitive and hold tightly to relationships to feel safe.

Anxious attachment may appear as people-pleasing, heightened emotional responses or difficulty being alone. Developing internal security, along with building trust in both oneself and the relationship is key.

Solo activities such as taking yourself on a movie date can be very rewarding for those with anxious attachment. Taking intentional time alone helps build self-reliance and eases the need for constant external reassurance.

Anxious attachment often shows up through habits like compulsively checking messages or scrolling through social media. Try turning off notifications and setting time limits to create healthier boundaries.

Avoidant/Dismissive

“I can only rely on myself. Others are a threat to my autonomy.”

Avoidantly attached individuals tend to value independence and freedom above all else. They may struggle with emotional intimacy and often feel overwhelmed when others get too close or too vulnerable.

Their caregivers may have been emotionally distant, unavailable or overly critical. As a result, these individuals learned to suppress their emotional needs, sometimes appearing aloof or disconnected in relationships.

Avoidant attachment can present itself as commitment issues, avoiding vulnerability and becoming overly self-reliant. It is important to recognize that intimacy doesn’t have to compromise autonomy.

Many avoidants struggle to label emotions or understand their needs. Journaling can be a great start to practicing vulnerability with yourself first.

Creative outlets like art and music can also serve as a bridge to explore your inner world and reach emotions that are difficult to access. Try expressing your mood through abstract art or curating playlists that match specific emotions. 

Disorganized/Fearful

“I want love, but I don’t know how to trust.”

Disorganized attachment is often the most complex and emotionally intense. It is a simultaneous fear and longing for closeness. These individuals may oscillate between seeking connection and pushing others away.

This pattern stems from early trauma, abuse or neglect. Their caregiver may have been both a source of comfort and fear, creating deep confusion around what love feels like — and whether it’s ever truly safe. 

This may show up as emotional volatility, mistrust or self-sabotaging behavior. These individuals can benefit from learning emotional regulation skills and understanding that love can be safe.

Try creating a visual collage that reflects the kind of love, connection and emotional safety you wish to invite into your life. This can serve as a gentle reminder of your intentions. 

You can also turn baths or showers into a calming ritual by using soothing scents like lavender or eucalyptus, dim the lights and play gentle music to create comfort.

Secure

“I am lovable. Others can be trusted.”

A secure attachment style is considered the healthiest model for relationships, but it’s not to be confused with perfection. People with this style experience conflict just like everyone else. 

What sets them apart is their emotional intelligence. They are comfortable with intimacy, clear about their needs and able to trust others without becoming overly dependent or emotionally withdrawn.

Emotionally responsive and consistently supportive caregivers help to form a stable, confident foundation for adult relationships.

In practice, secure attachment looks like mutual respect, open communication and balanced emotional support.

It’s important to note that attachment styles are not fixed and you may find yourself identifying with more than one attachment style. 

Just like you grow and change, your patterns in relationships can change too.