Pancakes. Grilled cheese. Water stains. Potato chips. YOUR OWN MOUTH. Yes, it seems that Jesus pops up just about everywhere these days (usually in food, for some reason), and it’s no surprise that this week he was chilling inside a woman’s MRI scan.

Tammie Cohrs of Greer, S.C. claims to have seen the face of Jesus inside an MRI scan of her mouth; she had the MRI after being recently diagnosed with a rare form of oral cancer. Now, of course, it only slightly resembles a completely distorted picture of a long-haired guy who is, frankly, looking a little creepy.

But for Tammie, it was much more. As a Christian who believes in divine intervention, it was Jesus there with her. Of course, it could be his signature – hey, if you think the Lord is responsible for everything that happens, he could just be leaving his mark. Regardless, I don’t know how comforting it is to have oral cancer, even if it’s in the shape of Jesus.

No, I much prefer having Jesus on a pancake, like Mike Thompson of Orlando, Fla. in 2006. That’s why whenever I went to mass as a kid I would always bring a little bit of Mrs. Butterworth’s with me to spread on the Eucharist. You tell me where it says in the Catechism of the Catholic faith that I can’t cover the host with sweet, maple-y goodness. If evening mass is more your speed, might I suggest a nice Peter Luger sauce, or something that would go with beef – you’re eating it with red wine, after all; what are you, an animal?

I don’t mean to sound too irreverent, but I personally am not religious, which may cause you to discard my opinion on the matter – but please, humor me. It seems strange that a Christian would need a sign from the Lord reminding her that Jesus is there, when his omnipresence is a tentpole of her faith.

In addition, Jesus did not get upset with many people in the Bible (if you’ve never read it, he’s a really nice guy).

But one person he did become angry with was Thomas, known as Doubting Thomas, who needed visual proof of Jesus to believe he still existed after he was crucified. So what reason would he have for popping his head in for a surprise visit in your jaw, or your food, or your leaky wall?

According to Christianity, you need him—not the other way around. He doesn’t need your validation, he wants you to be happy and kind to one another.

There are 5 billion non-Christians on the planet, and he could save them all in a second—he’s not

exactly clamoring to be slathered in butter and fried in a pan so he can be tattooed on your lunch and sold on eBay for a quick buck. I’m pretty sure he never said, “Thou shalt use my image for profit,” and he

certainly doesn’t refer prayers and requests to his agent (who, presumably, is Ari Gold from Entourage in this scenario).

Most importantly, Jesus definitely did not give this woman cancer. And she doesn’t have it just so he could take it away and show how great he is – Christians are supposed to already know that ain’t nobody getting to heaven without believing in him (John 14:6).

So there’s a good chance he isn’t inside your body, working on curing your cancer; otherwise, you wouldn’t be at a hospital looking for treatment from humans. No, if you’re a Christian, Jesus is merely

always with you, all the time. His words teach you kindness, give you moral guidance, and if you can be true to his word and be sorry when you’re not, you’ll go to heaven. Isn’t that good enough?

Again, I may not be religious, but that sounds like a pretty solid deal to me. Keep your food in your belly, your spiritual nourishment wherever you need it, and if you want to get rid of cancer, donate to the American Cancer Society (cancer.org), and especially look for ways to donate for breast cancer research, as it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month (go to nfl.com/pink to learn more).

And, if I got something wrong, or you disagree with my views, you can always send me a message, as long as you’re not delivering the message like Ehud to Eglon (Judges 3: 16-24), I think we’ll be okay.

My big belly really couldn’t take it.