So you’ve been waiting with bated breath to hear who will be my World’s Greatest and Most Best Human on the Planet of the Year. Understandable; people always are. I know the year is not officially over, but does anybody really break through in December to win any kind of Person of the Year honors? No.
If Justin Bieber stops a terrorist attack, remakes the film Junior and actually gets pregnant in real life while simultaneously inventing a teleportation device all in this month, then I will eat this column with a side of baby seal. But first, as always, my list of “The Top 4 Things That Were Completely Stupid and/or Annoying This Year:”
4. I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! Just in case you didn’t know, Will Smith has several annoying, scientologist, bionic children whom he can demand be put into any entertainment media. I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! Do you get it yet? You MUST love Will Smith’s children! The Karate Kid remake starring Lil’ Willie Smith makes a perfect stocking stuffer! Buy it or they will never stop! I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH! I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!
3. THE TEA PARTY. These people are – you know what? I can’t anymore. I’m just going to pretend they don’t exist.
2. NOBODY APPRECIATES PHIL COLLINS. I was at a party last week and I asked the guy playing the music to put on some Phil Collins. He looked at me like I was crazy. Hello! Do you really need to hear “Like a G6” or I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH or need to be taught how to Dougie for the billionth time? Or couldn’t you listen to something with substance, like “Easy Lover” or “Sussudio?” Some people just have no taste in music.
1. HOMOPHOBIA. Bullying. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Gay marriage still isn’t legal in the majority of “The Land of the Free.” I literally cannot fathom that there is any point to being homophobic. Homosexuality is not contagious; nobody can be “turned” gay. They can’t make your kids gay. They want to have sex with other gay people, not you. So on the most basic level, somebody who is homophobic – and by that I mean if you don’t think gay people should be married to each other, or think gay people should not serve in the armed forces, or you have a hatred for all things gay – thinks it’s icky when two dudes kiss. (But man, do straight males LOVE their lesbian porn or what!) That’s what it comes down to. Never mind that gay people have to see straight people kissing almost 24-hours a day, every day, and yet they don’t hate you for being straight. They just feel that the love that two married straight people have is the same as their love. And they are humans, like everybody else, and should be allowed the same rights as any other human. So what is the point of being hateful?
And now, to the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The World’s Greatest and Most Best Human on the Planet of the Year Award goes to: Me! Speech! Speech! Speech! Well, alright. I’ll let me talk: “I am so happy to win this award for the 20th out of 22 times, though still upset for those two I lost [note: “My Blankie” was the winner in ’89 and, shockingly, again in ’07]. While I understand this does not mean I am a good person, but rather only the smartest, best-looking and most highly influential person that I know, I hope this award inspires others to work just a little bit harder to win it next year. Wherever you are, Keyboard Cat, this one’s for you – play me out, buddy!”
Well, tough luck everybody. What can I say, I certainly deserved it. Have a great break, and do something fun in 2011 – because the world’s ending in 2012 anyways.