The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

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Jack & Jill: The question of monogamy and time for ‘the talk’


It’s pushing 12 a.m. and the party is dying down. I respond to the 481st text, as this drunk girl is coming on to me. I ask her if she wants to come out for a smoke. She does.
Halfway through our shared cigarette, we kiss. Do I feel bad? Not really; the girl I texted, we’re only casually seeing each other and we haven’t had “the talk” yet. So kissing this girl is totally fine!
Do I tell her the next morning when we go to lunch? That right after I texted her goodnight. I was walking this girl back to my apartment? No! She hasn’t sat me down and asked me if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, so everything is fair game.
I’m just talking to this girl right now – and she’s great – but we’re not official.My relationship status on Facebook says “Single.” Until we agree that this is a relationship, I’m going to go out and have some fun. She doesn’t necessarily have to know about it. If she wants to go out and talk to other guys, more power to her, cause I know that neither of us has any right to get upset.
If there were clarity it would be another story; I would be a loyal guy. I would tell her if I was going to a party without her. I would still flirt but nothing would happen, because I have a girlfriend waiting for me at home. It’s not a matter of wanting to hook up with beach-blonde hotties or catching a glimpse of waitress as she walks by, because it the action would not pass through my brain and into my body. It’s not an emotional choice, it’s a rational one.
Here comes the talk: it can make or break a relationship, or whatever you want to call it. If the talk happens, then great; you guys know where things are then the future is there. If the talk doesn’t happen, then you’re just stuck in time until this whole thing falls apart. Guys need the talk more than girls. We need the definition, otherwise we don’t know what the word means.
Once the relationship starts, the roles reverse. Men are now comfortable in the relationship. They are happily loyal to this great girl they’ve snagged. Women, on the other hand, suddenly are a bit more aggressive with this thing. While we’re happy just being with them, they need to know that that’s not all there is.
So gents, be wary on how you go about the talk. Afterward, there’s going to be dates on the weekend regularly; meeting the folks; all the monotonous things that are involved.
Before you know it, you’re stuck in a slippery slope… Commitment. The “Big C” can come as a scary word to many – man or woman. Word of advice – “the talk” is more than you planned. Commitment becomes a lot more than monogamy. Either way, relationships are a tricky thing. So when you go on that first date, please think it out!


Here’s the thing. I’m an intelligent, attractive woman, and I’m dating you because you are an intelligent, attractive guy. You’re not stupid. So don’t act stupid. I don’t have to tell you we’re monogamous. You’re dating me – it’s not okay to date somebody else too. If we’ve gone out more than once, if you’ve kissed me goodnight, if I’ve invited you inside, if I’m texting you on a regular basis and you are responding in kind, we are together.
If I think there’s long-term potential for us, I don’t want to freak you out. You guys seem to think that if we get all “girlfriendy” too quickly, it means we’re crazy, so I’m not going to push the issue.
You, however, need to be aware that I am a self-respecting woman. If I’ve invited you in, or if we’ve been repeatedly intimate while sober, this is serious and you should know it.
I’m going to act casual so you think I’m cool and low-maintenance. However, just because I don’t voice my jealousy or insecurity, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I want to know we’re exclusive. I want to know who you’re texting. I want to obsessively read your Facebook messages, emails and Twitter feed.
I’m not going to do these things because, again, I’m not crazy; but rest assured, I’ve thought about it – and if I do just happen to glance at your phone when you’re using my bathroom (and then putting the seat down! Duh!), there should be a grand total of zero flirty texts to women who aren’t me.
I don’t need us to be Facebook official just yet, but I am considering myself officially off the market. You should do the same. We have an unspoken agreement that you’re not going to flirt, hook up or dance with girls at parties – and please understand, “drunk” is not an acceptable explanation or excuse.
Ultimately, I don’t need to sit you down and present you with terms and conditions. There will be no contract to sign, and you will not have the option to “Agree” or “Decline.” This is not an iTunes update. This is an unwritten agreement that we are an exclusive, monogamous couple, and for as long as you’re planning to be physically intimate with me, you are totally a consenting party.
I’m counting on you to use the common sense I know you possess. There’s never going to be a conversation where I explain that we are monogamous. Unless there is a conversation in which one of us specifically tells the other that we are not exclusive, assume that we are.
With that in mind, do not be surprised if I freak out when I just happen to see those flirty texts, or when I arrive at a party only to see you bumpin’ and grindin’ with some blonde. Or brunette. Or whatever. If she isn’t me, it is so not okay.

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