The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

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Cut Ethan Couch a break

Disclaimer: This story is satirical.

If you have ever seen a picture of Ethan Couch, I’m sure you share my sentiments when I say that I can hardly believe our buddy Ethan could have possibly known the dangers behind drinking and driving.

He was raised by such loving, caring parents and he had such a happy young life that he couldn’t possibly have known what horrors drinking and driving a car could cause. He looks so innocent after all.

How was he supposed to know drinking impairs your ability to drive? I’m sure he always had his amazing mother drive him home from his friends’ 13th birthday parties, where they were privileged enough to have lots of expensive alcoholic beverages and gifts.

I’m sure he gave the keys to his Mercedes to his sober friend at their 15th birthday party so he could drive Ethan and the rest of his intoxicated posse back to their mansions so they could privately groan and suffer through $500 hangovers the next morning. And I’m sure Ethan had a gold-plated bowl for his valet drivers to place the keys to his friends’ BMW’s and Audi’s and Tesla’s and other various vehicles in when they came over for his 17th birthday party.

So why should we punish him when he was never properly taught that drinking and driving can be deadly? It’s not like there’s some sort of alcohol education in schools that reaches more than 300,000 classrooms across all 50 states, such as chooseresponsibility.org. And it’s not like he was very experienced with alcohol, after all, thirteen is a very late age to start drinking, nowadays.

I’m not sure how I, in good faith, can say that this poor child understood why drinking and driving was a bad idea. I mean, people do it all the time. And plenty of people make it home perfectly safe, too. So what makes our buddy Ethan any different? Why don’t we punish the people who make it home safe, too? Why is it fair to send Ethan to jail for nearly two whole years, while these people who make it home safe get no jail time at all?

Why don’t we start persecuting them instead of poor little Ethan, bless his precious soul. He’s such a nice kid, I just feel so bad for sending him to jail.

Plus, I’m sure he made it up to the families of the four people he killed, as well as the families of the nine others he injured. I’m sure he sent them nice little flower bouquets with letters that say, “I’m sorry I killed your daughter. Please consider this flower bouquet as a token of my apology and regret. I’m sure your bouquet will look very nice next to your Mercedes and BMW. I know mine does.”

I’m sure he made them feel so much better about losing their loved ones, the people they had so many years of memories and love with, and the people with whom they will never have any memories with again.

I’m sure nearly two years of jail for Ethan is enough to make him realize he did a very bad thing.

Reminder: This is satire.

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