The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

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SATIRE: Dorm shower feels resentment

Anger aimed toward student

Queens, NY — A dorm room shower admitted Tuesday that it has a personal vendetta and is out to get the student who frequents it every morning.

“First, he wakes me up super early at 7:00 every morning after his roommate keeps me up until 2 a.m. the night before.

Next, he wastes my time by standing under the water for at least half an hour, while his other roommate bangs on the bathroom door and shouts about being late for class. Then, he destroys what’s left of my sanity by attempting to do what normal people call singing, but honestly sounds more like the cries from a wounded ice cream truck,” the shower claimed.

The student denies these claims, replying that the only reason he would even consider doing those things is because it, “takes so darn long for the water to stay at one comfortable temperature,” and that there is “nothing better to do” in the shower.

When the shower heard about the allegations surrounding the water temperature, it explained, “I found the greatest way to mess with him. When he takes too long to get in after turning the water on, I’ll make the temperature really hot so he has to jump through the fires of hell in order to reach his shampoo.”

The student reports that he has almost slipped and hurt himself numerous times because of this rapid, unexpected change in temperature.

“Then, when he finally thinks he has the temperature adjusted right, I’ll make it freezing cold. There’s no greater sight in the morning than watching him cling to the tile wall, cowering against my freezing might.”

On a few occasions, the student has reportedly even left the shower because the water would not adjust back to a reasonable temperature after such a sudden freeze.

Upon reporting the problems to the building’s facilities department, the student allegedly had no problems with the shower for about a week. Then, after returning from the gym one night, he was scalded with boiling water while showering.

Facilities reported no water problems that day, and in fact maintain a record for the most reliable hot water pressure in the area.

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