The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

The Independent Student Newspaper of St. John's University

The Torch

Dear God,

I just wanted to drop You a line to find out how things are going up there. You must be really busy this time of year, what with the holidays coming and so many children suddenly remembering to pray. Things down here are great.

I was just thinking the other day how proud You must be of Your people. It seems like every other day You’re getting mentioned and someone else is doing something in Your name. I think Your name comes up more on the news lately than anyone else’s.

Of course, this is not a new thing. You must be used to it by now, all this attention. Throughout history people have done things in Your name. The Crusaders, the Puritans, Al-Qaeda, etc. Countless soldiers in war have prayed to You, asking You to help them and their country. Countries as a whole, especially their governments, are perhaps the most vigilant of Your followers, constantly asking for your help during hard times.

Some countries go so far as to ask You to bless them. Not their people or their friends, but specifically the country. “God Bless America” is a widely used phrase here, especially when we are about to engage in a war or when we feel threatened by a country that we have invaded in the past.

Most recently, our fearless president has asked repeatedly for Your help for his people and his cause. You must be so proud when we ask You to help our country defeat another and kill innocent civilians.

Some Americans go so far as to even claim to be You! There was a man down south who took the lives of 11 people, one shot each, and told authorities that he was God. I guess he thought it was OK to kill as long as he claimed he was You. Everyone seems to think it’s OK to kill in Your name, so it must be OK to kill if You actually are God, right? That’s what the sniper thought, I guess.

You must bless us a lot here in America. When some pro-life activists kill doctors, it’s for You. When people demand their right to guns and in practically the next sentence say how they are God-fearing, Jesus-loving Americans, it must make You so proud.

Though few are more devoted than the God-fearing, Jesus-loving Americans at St. John’s, we are not immune to Your power, and people here take it upon themselves to show this devotion all the time.

We list our core values as truth, love, respect, opportunity, excellence and service. Every act St. John’s does is intended to represent these values, and You , God.

Signing a licensing agreement with Nike, for example, was a great example of these values. Supporting companies that institute sweatshops, which take away just about every single human right there is, was a perfect example of our desire to do Your work.

I’m sure Your friend Vincent de Paul, who was a great defender of the poor, is so excited to see those workers being paid next to nothing for a lifetime of work.

I figure You must be talking to the St. John’s community directly, since they seem to know exactly what You want. Other Catholic schools like Notre Dame and the College of Mount Saint Vincent, pale in the shadow of St. John’s.

Those schools actually allow their of-age students to consume alcohol responsibly on campus, but not us, God, don’t worry! We have strict rules to enforce these policies, with vigilant Resident Assistants working around the clock to make sure no one offends You.

Even if an of-age student has alcohol in their own single room, they will be promptly punished. I’m sure when Your Son turned water into wine at that wedding at Cana, it was a clear indication of Your dislike for alcohol.

So clear an indication, in fact, that if a suite has alcohol in their refrigerator, everyone in the suite gets in trouble. Unless, of course, they betray one another and turn each other in. I’m sure deceit and disloyalty, in addition to those other values, is also in an attempt to You proud.

Although the rules sometimes don’t make sense to the students, we are confident that you have given the word to the administration as to what You feel. Those supposedly Catholic schools also allow their students to make adult choices about their sleeping arrangements, instead of enforcing a strict overnight guest policy like St. John’s does. We don’t allow such things to go on here. We adhere directly to Your teachings.

Those instructions You gave must have been very explicit, referring to the four hours a day, from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. in the morning, where we are not allowed to have any members of the opposite sex in our rooms. St. John’s is so diligent in enforcing the rules that even our family members are restricted from being there during that time.

It must make you so proud when St. John’s doesn’t allow us here at the Torch to write about certain issues because they don’t want to offend You. St. John’s knows You want Your people’s voices to be suppressed and their views controlled. Freedom of speech and freedom of the press take a backseat to your desires. You must want all these things, because then why else would St. John’s do it?

Well, that’s about it. Hope things are going great up there, and I hope to talk to you again soon.



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