Devil’s Advocate

Dear Devil’s Advocate,

I’m super excited to go back to school, but I’m worried. I live in a suite on campus and all of my suitemates and I are super tight. But some of them are studying abroad this semester. I’m not worried about staying tight with my old friends, but I am worried about the idea of new people coming into our suite. What do I do if these strangers are horrible, smelly, intolerable jerks? What if they mess up the perfect living situation we had?

Worried Will

Worried Willy,

Well, first you should consider yourself lucky to have suitemates that you are so close to. You are lucky to live with people you like. A lot of people never get that in the first place so they don’t have to deal with their ideal living situation getting invaded by strangers. But you probably already know that. So, on to the advice.
Now I could tell you to follow the Golden Rule. I could tell you to do unto to others as you would have them do unto you. I could tell you to behave maturely and to keep a civil attitude at all times. I could tell you to give these strangers a chance; they might not be that bad. I could tell you all these things, but I won’t. That’s no fun. What I am going to tell you is a fail-proof, top secret method designed to rid you of these strangers in a highly amusing manner. I call it the Devil’s Advocate Roommate Torture System, or DARTS.
Step 1: Immediately upon meeting him, give him a hug. Do this before you say anything to him. Do this every time you see him and get everyone in the suite to do the same.
Step 2: Point out tiny flaws and imperfections he has in a nonchalant manner and give backhanded compliments. “The red color of the acne on your face really compliments the color of your eyes.”
Step 3: Take it up a notch by excitedly inviting him to imaginary events across campus and say that everyone is going. When he gets mad, make up an excuse and apologize profusely.
Step 4: Play hide-and-seek with his belongings.
Step 5: Do not let him fall asleep… ever.
Step 6: Lastly, remember to do all of these things with a friendly smile and act incredulous when he gets upset.
Or, you could just go the mature route. That would probably work too. Good Luck.

Dear Devil’s Advocate,

So, there’s this girl that I like. We’ve been to the movies a couple times and I think she likes me, but I can’t really tell. I did that thing where you put your arm around her chair and I couldn’t tell if she liked it or if she even noticed my arm was there. I want to know if she likes me or not. I am thinking about just telling her how I feel and then asking her how she feels about me. Do you think that’s a good idea?

Joe Shmo

Dear Joe,

Boy, you sound like a modern day Casanova. Just kidding, but the good news is that she definitely does have feelings for you in some capacity. Honestly, though, telling her how you feel is just about the worst thing you could do in this situation. There are two reasons for this.
The first reason is that deep down inside, she knows you are trying to attract her to you and she likes it. It is a kind of game. You cannot just announce your intentions. You have to throw her off and confuse her. Appear interested in her and then appear to be indifferent. This not only confuses her, it makes her excited. You have to play the game in order to win and each move you make will intrigue her more and more.
The second reason is that by just telling her how you feel, you will scare her off. Not only does this end the excitement and intrigue she is feeling, it’s just plain weird. It will make things awkward and uncomfortable for both of you. That will make you seem unattractive to her and she will try to get away from that feeling. The only time you should tell her how you feel about her is if the two of you get into a committed relationship. And even then, do so sparingly.
So, I guess what I am saying is, DON’T DO IT! You will be sorry if you do. Besides, it’s more fun to play the game.