Dear Devil’s Advocate,

So, as you know, Valentine’s Day is almost here and I have a problem. I am in a relationship with this guy, but in all honesty, I am not happy with how things are. I want to get out of it, but I feel like it’s not right to break up with him right before Valentine’s Day. Talk about poor timing right? At the same time, though, I really don’t want to have him take me out on some romantic date and buy me this nice present. I just want to get out of the relationship, but should I wait until a little while after Valentine’s Day has passed?

Sincerely,
Loveless Liz

Dear Liz,

Here is what you should do: Get him to take you out on the greatest Valentine’s Day date ever. I’m talking about a dinner with candles, flowers, and snap your fingers and shout, “Gar√ßon!” Order the most expensive thing on the menu and take whatever presents he gives you. Keep smiling and telling him how much you love him. On the walk home pretend you are cold and ask for his jacket. Then on the doorstep, give him a kiss goodnight and say, “We’re through. Never talk to me again.” As you go inside, slam the door in his face. But before you slam the door in his face kick him in the stomach
This way you get a nice last meal and some presents. Plus, you won’t have to deal with any post-breakup quarrels and arguments because there is no way he will speak to you ever again after that. This solution is quick, easy, and lasts forever. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings; he will get over it. Eventually.
In all seriousness, though, if you are definitely going to get out of this relationship, do it sooner rather than later. There’s no point in putting it off even if it is right before Valentine’s Day. If you explain the situation and how you feel, then he will understand and probably be thankful it happened before Valentine’s Day rather than after.
Also, there’s nothing worse than sitting through a date that you don’t really want to be on. Except maybe being forced to watch American Idol. I cringe just thinking about it.

Sincerely,
Devil’s Advocate

Dear Devil’s Advocate,

As I’m sure you’ve heard there was a blood drive recently at St. John’s. Personally blood drives are special to me ever since my best friend received a life saving transfusion during our childhood. I’ve always tried to garner as much support as possible from potential donors since I can only give so much. So this year I reached out to some of my friends asking them to help me out. I was appalled by the large number of people disinterested in saving a life, and particularly disgusted with one friend’s response. He claimed to be only marginally afraid of needles and just too lazy to walk across our diminutive campus. How can he be so myopic and apathetic for such a noble cause? How can he look himself in the mirror every morning knowing people’s lives are at stake? What can I do to get through to him?

Sincerely,
Erythrocyte Edwin

Dear Ed,

I commend you for being so adament and determined in regards to this cause. Compassionate, selfless people like you are truly an inspiration to the rest of us, and people like your friend are usually the ones that are 30 years old and still living with their mother. However, take into consideration your personal connection to the act of giving blood, and understand the fact that not everyone has this type of life-or-death circumstance to get them motivated to become a donor. You have had a provoking factor in your life that has incited this desire to help others, but if you hadn’t, you might be feeling just as unconcerned or too wrapped in your own life to be bothered.
Also, although you might think this person is being seflish and apathetic, maybe you should try to see it from his point of view. Perhaps his “fear” of needles and complaints of the rather lengthy walk across campus were, in actuality, just a cover for something deeper. Maybe he has his own personal reasons not to want to donate, and maybe it’s not something he feels comfortable sharing.
So, what can you do to get through to him? The answer is that you shouldn’t try to. He probably has his reasons not to donate, and if you try to force him, he’ll only get upset. Of course, there is only a chance that this fellow is just a disgusting human being, and in this case he should just donate all of his blood because it would be put to better use in someone else. However, there is really no way to know for sure, so you’ll just have to let him off the hook.

Sincerely,
Devil’s Advocate