Absurdities with Jeffrey Gilbert


There are a lot of things I just can’t understand. Why does our basketball team play at MSG at noon on Saturdays? Why do 95% of food places in NYC take cash only when it’s 2010 and even gas stations in rural Georgia take Debit? What is happening in lacrosse? It looks like a bunch of guys from Long Island really aggressively chasing butterflies. If they weren’t so rough they’d probably catch more. It’s a butterfly, not the last open spot at the marina. Relax.

But what puzzles and frustrates me the most now is the Tea Party. Sure, they get made fun of, but somewhere in my mind I thought, hey, these are just upset people who have lost their jobs and are in tough economic times, and they have their own view on how to fix the political system. Are they really that different from you and I?

Man, was I wrong. They are crazy. Every story I’ve read or seen on the Tea Party is usually met with a, “But that’s the liberal media skewing our message!” type of response. At some point, this can’t be the reason. Forgetting all of the standard stuff these candidates get mocked for: Carl Paladino’s bestiality porn e-mails, Rich Iott’s Nazi uniforms, Sarah Palin making up words, Rand Paul’s civil rights quotes, Christine O’Donnell’s…well, just everything she says, when you look at the “message” of this party, you can’t seriously be wanting to elect any of these people, right?

The problem is the Tea Party doesn’t even have a message. The co-founder of the party in Missouri went on Bill Maher last week and couldn’t even name one thing she would cut from the bloated government that Tea Partiers are always complaining about. Christine O’Donnell can’t name a recent Supreme Court case and doesn’t remember what amendment of the Constitution that is supposedly the center of the whole entire Tea Party movement (the 16th – Income Tax).

Like Anderson Cooper said, it’s tough to have the whole Constitution memorized, but O’Donnell claims to be a Constitution expert, and is running for Senate. You and I aren’t. Even worse, regular Republicans now have nobody else to support, and consequently are unfairly mixed in with these people.

You can’t be serious, America. Even a four-year old throws a tantrum and has a tea party.

There is no way these people should be in office.

There are many journalists who have reached the same conclusion about the Tea Party. Go to one of their rallies. (Actually, don’t.) The signs make no sense, especially when put next to each other. They want parts of the government cut, but only the parts they don’t like – and what they like varies from person to person so greatly, that if you think our government does nothing now, wait until these people get in charge.

Hey Republicans, I’m not telling you to vote Democrat instead. Life in America has been pretty good for a long time now, when you think about it. When Democrats were in charge, the economy was up. Then it was down. Then we got into a couple of wars. Then we made some positive social reforms. Sound familiar? Because when Republicans were in charge, literally the same thing happened. Sure, these wars varied in their ethical value, but it’s important to note – we progress! Maybe we’re behind the times on some issues, but there is balance. The most important thing is that every congressman, for the most part (OK, really only excluding Michele Bachmann) is educated. They know how Capitol Hill works. I could never have that job, and most of us couldn’t either.

The way to really fix our country’s problems right now? Patience. Yes, things are rough, but you don’t need to elect these stupid, stupid people to office. The economy goes up, and it goes down.

No party can change that. It just happens that way because people make money, then save it thinking everything is going to go bad, then spend again. It will get better – I know the 24-hour news cycle wants you to think otherwise, but it WILL get better. So for now, please, can we just elect normal liberals and normal conservatives to Congress, keep the balance, and just ride it out for a year until the economy’s stable again? Please?

And will somebody please tell Carl Paladino to stop sending me emails? I can’t get my roommate’s dog off my computer when he sends a new one out. It smells like the “Dogs Playing Poker” dogs came to life and started acting out Eyes Wide Shut in there.